Quote of the Day: 80 Funny Quotes to Brighten your Day

Quote of the day – Need a quick pick-me-up or a way to inject some humor into your daily routine? Look no further! This collection of 80 funny quotes is guaranteed to tickle your funny bone and add a dash of levity to your day. From witty observations about modern life to classic one-liners from comedy legends, these quotes are perfect for sharing with friends, posting on social media, or simply enjoying a good chuckle by yourself. Get ready to laugh and brighten your day with this dose of humor!

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Quote of the Day: 80 Funny Quotes to Brighten your Day

1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” — Mitch Hedberg

2. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” — President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove

3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Rose, The Golden Girls

4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” — David Letterman

5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey

6. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.” Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.” — Office Space

7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” — Mark Twain

8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

9. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” — Anonymous

10. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

11. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson

12. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.” — Surgeon, Monty Python’s Flying Circus

13. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright

14. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” — Bobby Boucher, The Waterboy

15. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel

16. “Marriage is like an unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it lasts forever.” — Pete, Knocked Up

17. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce.” — Lessons from the Minivan

18. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” — Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

19. “There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like.” — Dowager Countess Violet Crawley, Downton Abbey

20. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura

21. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” — Anonymous

22. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton

23. “I’m not good at advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends

24. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy; men are stupid.” — George Carlin

25. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” — Groucho Marx

26. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

27. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.” — Dave Barry

28. “Never do anything out of hunger; not even eating.” — Frank Semyon, True Detective

29. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns

30. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” — Wanda, A Fish Called Wanda

31. “Accept who you are; unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres

32. “Do you know what kind of bomb it was? The exploding kind.” — Inspector Clouseau, The Pink Panther Strikes Again

33. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” — Tina Fey

34. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.” — Anonymous

35. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

36. “I remember it like it was yesterday; of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, Finding Dory

37. “I prefer not to think before speaking; I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.” — Anonymous

38. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” — Mark Twain

39. “Woke up today; it was terrible.” — Grumpy Cat

40. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet; if you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa and flour.” — Anonymous

41. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” — Anonymous

42. “People say Facebook is great for connecting with old friends; well at my age, I need a Ouija board.” — Betty White

43. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success; fulfilling my potential would cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford

44. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future; that’s why I’m saving for their hoverboard.”— Lin-Manuel Miranda

45. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply.”— Anonymous

46. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”— Groucho Marx 

47. “I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”— Emily Charlton, The Devil Wears Prada

48. “If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.”— Anonymous 

49. “I told my computer I needed a break and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers!”— Anonymous 

50. “Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?”— Robin Williams 

51. “I’m on a whiskey diet; I’ve lost three days already!”— Tommy Cooper 

52. “I used to play piano by ear; now I use my hands.”— Anonymous 

53. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”— Anonymous 

54. “If we aren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even light in the fridge?”— Anonymous 

55. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”— Steven Wright 

56. “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time!”— Anonymous 

57. “I finally found out how to make money on Facebook: Just stop using it!”— Anonymous 

58. “Life is short; smile while you still have teeth!”— Anonymous 

59. “The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality!”— Anonymous 

60. “I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.”— Anonymous 

61. “If you’re going to be late for something important, at least look fabulous doing it!”— Anonymous 

62. “Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are weak?”— Anonymous 

63. “Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work; there are 25 more letters in the alphabet!”— Anonymous 

64. “When nothing goes right… go left!”— Anonymous 

65. “I’m so glad we had this time together just to have a laugh or sing a song.”— Carol Burnett 

66. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”— Charlie Chaplin 

67. “Behind every great man there stands a woman rolling her eyes.”— Jim Carrey 

68. “My wallet is like an onion; opening it makes me cry!”— Anonymous 

69. “The early bird might get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese!”— Steven Wright 

70. “If at first you don’t succeed… then skydiving definitely isn’t for you!”— Steven Wright 

71. “Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?”— Robin Williams 

72. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug!”— Anonymous 

73. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”— Albert Einstein 

74. “You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”— Steven Wright 

75. “I’m not great at advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”— Chandler Bing 

76. “You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more than you do!” – Phyllis Diller  

77. “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you!” – Unknown  

78. “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life!” – Daniel Francois Esprit Auber  

79. “At my age, I’ve seen it all… done it all… heard it all… I just can’t remember it all!” – Unknown  

80. “You know you’re getting old when your doctor doesn’t even give you any medicine anymore!” – Unknown